Let’s talk about growth

I have never thought about personal growth so much as I did when I was – wait for it – in Alabama.

The dictionary defines growth as “the process of developing physically, spiritually, or mentally.” Thriving, blooming, and flourishing are all synonyms, and I have to say, I resonated very much with all these descriptives.

Though I do like the idea of growth being synonymous with “thriving,” I think it has become somewhat of a joke among young people today to assert they are “thriving,” when really they feel as if the world is crumbling around them. I have used this term in both ways, but blooming and flourishing? I think there is an ethereal quality about these two words, an implication that, much like spotting wildflowers on the side of the highway, you are at the edge of uncovering an untamed, beautiful gift.

This gift – a wonderous flourishing, blooming – comes at a price, though.

A lot of days, I feel as if I am, in fact, at the edge of this flourishing, this blooming. Around the corner, though, is hard work and tears. Ups and downs are (sadly) inevitable. Often, I want to drop-kick these tears associated with the downs to the curb. But you know, in the end, they are kind of worth it. They represent the care, the compassion, I have for precisely those things that require hard work.

No, growth is not easy. But I’m willing to bet a lot of money that more often than not, you are going to emerge on the other side of hardship, maybe a little worse for wear, but all the better because of what you have endured.

So cheers to those inevitable, pesky downfalls – they allow us to chase after the elusive person we are looking to be.

If you want something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.

Tiffany Dufu

Chapter 12 – On emotions

I won’t say that embracing the magic of strangers and experience is easy.

Sometimes, you fall flat on your face. Sometimes, you fall in love. Sometimes, you fall out of love. Sometimes, you lose a friend. And sometimes, things just don’t go as planned: life happens and emotions get in the way. But listen –

This is okay. You are okay.

For so long, as I have shared before, I have been considered – and consider myself – to be a relatively happy-go-lucky individual. I often break into a cheek-aching grin just when I see the sun, and when my favorite song comes on (I certainly have a lot of them!) you bet I will bust into a dance. Even if I am in the middle of a store. But when I – you – do have that moment when life knocks you flat on your face, you can’t help but wonder just when you are going to get back to being the person everyone tells you you are.

I didn’t really know a lot about emotions until – wait for it – I lived in Alabama. While my fellowship was an educational experience in some ways, in others, I thought of it very much as a job. While I was working, I understood for the first time what my parents meant when they downplayed the stress I experienced in school. Sure, the latter stress was important. But school did not really prepare me for the stress of handling bills, the annoyance of dealing with external matters and figuring out how to schedule necessary appointments, or the dilemma of deciding how to tackle those days I just did not want to do my job because I’d woken up on the wrong side of the bed (we’ve all been there, trust me). School taught me I needed to keep going – and not feel – because letter grades are not empathetic, they simply just are.

Some days in Alabama, and even days since Alabama, were and have been truly magical, filled with adventures and strangers alike. It is on these days, I feel so utterly alive it is surreal. In these moments, I think, “This is it, this is what it’s all about.”

So why doesn’t that feeling last? 

Because.

Let me tell you a secret –

it’s not meant to. 

Sure, these experiences buoy me and bring a smile to my lips for days to come. But something I really had never heard before – or maybe, I will clarify and say grasped the meaning of – is that life is hard. It will not always be happy. It is almost always an uphill battle. And life will hit reset. Every. Day. 

I am a massive fan of The Good Life Project, a podcast hosted by Jonathon Fields. (I actually cannot say enough good things about this podcast – it is often the highlight of my day!) He once interviewed Leon Logothetis, who traveled across the United States – and parts of the world – relying pretty much exclusively on the kindness of strangers. In this episode, Leon said many relatable things, but in particular, this bit of wisdom hit home: 

“When you have these moments, when you feel connected with the divine, you have further to fall. That is the price you pay for pursuing life.” 1

It’s okay that life restarts every day. That some days are harder than others. That some days and weeks and months and years are infinitely harder than others – because life is not merely a constant. In fact, the second law of thermodynamics proclaims that things tend toward disorder and chaos. Well, I am sure we can all certainly agree that emotions are chaotic. And messy. Some are horribly depressing. Some are overwhelmingly joyous. Bottom line: emotions are natural – and we don’t talk about that enough.

We live with the norm that the appropriate response to, “Hey, how are you?” is “I’m good.”

But – and reread this if you need to –

what. 

if. 

you. 

aren’t. 

good.

We must care when people are not good. We must listen when people are not good. We must see these people, emotions and all, otherwise, how is anyone expected to heal? To wake up and realize it is a gift to start each day anew, not a burden?

Sean Corne and Tiffany Dufu, two other guests on two other episodes of The Good Life Project, convey the importance of going toward these emotions, especially those that are conflicting, those that are associated with trauma, heartbreak, and other hard times. Those simply associated with living.2,3 But, when we do not define and fully live by our emotions, how can we truly understand our emotions?

Sometimes – more often than you probably think – it is okay to drop the ball. To let go of responsibility. To decide you matter more than the task at hand. To say,

“You know, today is not good. I am not okay. I need help – will you please listen?”

To see someone’s full spectrum of emotions would be to really see them. 

I read an inspiring quote once. (Actually, I consume a lot of material, so that was a moot introduction to something I think is quite a pivotal point.) It was in a case study for one of my courses in nonprofit management. The individual of focus was Jeff Weiner, who relayed the importance of values-based leadership in terms of something the Dalai Lama had said. Ultimately, Weiner talked about the difference between empathy and compassion, where empathy may more so be about our ability to stop on the side of the road, see someone in pain, and sit there with them to show them we see their pain. But compassion, compassion is our ability to take the listening – to take the seeing – and help that person through their pain. To enable them to become more than their pain. So that when you both walk away, you are equally better off because of the heart and effort left behind.4

I digress. 

Personally, I find it hard to fully let others in, even though I am often a person who answers, “Hey, how are you?” with a full synopsis of my day thus far. I like to think, overthink, and then filter out about 836 of my 1,000 thoughts first. Over the past year or so, though, I have been learning how to go beyond only mundanely feeling and maybe sharing these emotions:

I have learned to pause, to breathe, and to ask myself why it is I am feeling what I am feeling.

I have learned to reflect.

To reframe.

To reflect some more.

And then let myself decide what I would like to do with these emotions.

I won’t say it’s been an easy process, nor that I am very good at it yet, but it has been incredibly worthwhile to relish in the fact that it is okay to really feel, to fully live, and to deeply understand these emotions. At times it’s been freeing, but it’s also been painful. And no one really told me that. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s my own fault, maybe I wasn’t really listening. Maybe it’s not something you are to be told or taught, but something you are to find on your own. Regardless, I am here to tell you I believe we must learn to recognize and understand both sides, the highs and the lows, of our emotional spectrums. It won’t be easy. It won’t be fun. But it will be worth it. You will overcome, I promise. 

Live every day.

Embrace every experience.

Be the highs.

Accept the lows.

And just remember – be gentle, forgiving, and gracious with yourself along the way.

Notes

  1. For more about the ideas of kindness, love, and divinity, check out the podcast episode “Adventures in Kindness with Leon Logothetis” from the podcast series Good Life Project.
  2. For more about whole-heartedly embodying emotions, check out the podcast episode “Yoga, Revolution, Revelation with Sean Corne” from the podcast series Good Life Project.
  3. For more about dropping the ball, check out the podcast episode “Tiffany Dufu: What if the Power Move Was to Just Let Go?” from the podcast series Good Life Project.
  4. Jeff Weiner, a former CEO of LinkedIn talks about the difference between empathy and compassion. Check out the first three minutes of this video. For more, check out this website!

And if you have any recommendations, drop me a link! I’d love to give it a listen. 🙂

Chapter 11 – The magic of strangers: A collection of thoughts

What if

The lightning illuminated the clouds before you?

The sunset silhouetted the mountains behind you?

The fireflies brightened the summer-storm fog between you (and the two)?

What if

You met a new friend everywhere you went?

You emerged laughing after falling into a waterfall?

You stumbled upon live music at the local brewery?

What if

You believed in magic (hiding in plain sight)?

There is a certain magic of the world –

it is hidden, in strangers.

It waits for us, glimmering, flickering, begging us to see.

A glance, an exchange – mouths open, as if to speak –

but wait, don’t.

“Are you afraid?” the silence asks.

“‘Tis nothing but a moment in time –

What harm? What loss? What if?” she sings, cajoles.

Another glance. Eyes down. Considers. Afraid.

Feeble.

The moment, “is it gone?” you wonder.

Imagine: a cacophonous restaurant.

Dishes clanging, laughs abounding, delights floating.

The waitress, “I brought you the biggest slice (of chocolate cake) –

are you in school, hon?”

Another, on a mountain:

“A riddle in exchange to pass!” (Excuse me?)

Me: “…is life the pursuit of happiness or purpose?”

Stares. Ponders. Questions – “Are you in school?”

Inside me, an idea.

Easier and easier it becomes.

A glance, a smile, a comment –

there is magic in that moment –

a momentous moment: do they need you, or you them?

But really, who sees who?

What if the magic is:

You. can. be. anyone.

Start with the kindness, the naivety, the courage of “hello.”

A lesson, a story, a voice, a life-changing moment,

In wait.

And in Greensboro –

 “Hey, I know you! Your hair – wait – you run, I’ve seen you!”

A deep breath, a flutter of excitement –

the magic, it’s found you. A smile and:

“Hi, I’m Jade! It’s nice to meet you.”

And so it begins,

the magic of a stranger.

Notes:

  1. I have been thinking about this concept of the magic of strangers for a while. In fact, I was scrolling through one of my Spotify playlists and stumbled upon this podcast episode, an episode I saved back in February of 2021. The episode is entitled The Lost Joys of Talking to Strangers and was hosted on NPR.
  2. I’ve consumed a lot of other material and thoughts on this topic since saving the above episode. Clearly it has been sitting in my unconscious brain, a little package awaiting my return, my unwrapping. Well, I’ve returned! The other day, as in days before publishing this chapter, I stumbled upon another podcast episode, the link is here. This one is called Joe Koehane on the power – and magic – of strangers (fitting for this chapter, huh?), and is hosted by Traci Ruble over on Sidewalk Talk. If you have not heard about Sidewalk Talk, check out the website here and the podcast here, and then drop me a note – I would love to know what you think! One other thought while on the tangent of this note: this episode, oddly enough, was published on my birthday. It fell a few days after I had had a magical day with someone who once was a stranger to me, and someone who actually inspired the first collection of thoughts on this post.

Enjoy! ☀